You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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