I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
