her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
