I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
