god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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