This is not my ceiling
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Randomize
