Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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