I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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