i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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