You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
