today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
