Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
