AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
