yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
