the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
