make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
