So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
