Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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