Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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