Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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