On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
