How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
We have so much sex to catch up on
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
