My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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