I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
