I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
