And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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