I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
