Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
