I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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