I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
