Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
