So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
