The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
