So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
We smell like vodka and hangover
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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