if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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