I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
