I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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