Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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