I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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