Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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