This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
