Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
