My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
