the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
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