Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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