Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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