I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
