After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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