I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
