You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
