shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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