checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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