The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
