he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
