Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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